The Big, Bad, Himura Kenshin Raid
by fluffybluff
Summary: It takes more than just a simple question and answer session to know what's inside a guy's mind...


Disclaimer: RK isn't mine

AN: An old, and somewhat amusing fiction that I found lying around in my computer when I was rearranging my files. I hope you all enjoy it :P

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**The Big, Bad, Himura Kenshin Raid**

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"This is a bad, bad idea." Kaoru mumbled while she looked around.

"It's okay. I've been doing this forever. Where do you think I got my deodorant, toothpaste and shaving cream?" Sano replied casually.

"You guys shared DEODORANT? I hope it's not the stick type." Kaoru said with a face as if she was about to barf. Sano chuckled, ignoring Kaoru's disgusted face while putting the key into the whole. With one quick push, the key went into the rather rusty keyhole. He turned it until clicked a soft click.

"We shouldn't just sneak into someone's apartment like this." Kaoru said. Sano snorted.

"Nonsense. He gave me an emergency key. This is an emergency!" He exclaimed rather loudly. Kaoru grunted.

"I will hate you if Kenshin hates me because of this!" She grumbled.

"Don't worry. He won't find out. Even if he suddenly came in, just say that we wanted to hook up but my place is too messy. I know he is a human lie detector, but even he would buy that excuse." Sano said with a shrug. Kaoru glared at him.

"ARE YOU CRAZY!" She hissed and Sano laughed.

"Chill now, Jou-chan. Why are we here again?" He asked.

Kaoru sighed. "To find out what type of woman Kenshin likes… I really am not sure why do we have to intrude his apartment like this. You can just ask him, you know." She said while looking around.

Kenshin and Sano were neighbours and best friends, but their apartments looked like two different universe. Sano's one was always messy with dirty laundry, mangas, game CDs, and empty ramen cups on the floor. Kenshin's apartment on the other hand was fairly neat. There were a couple of books on the floor, near the low table and the small television in the living room, and dirty laundry was piled up openly near the bathroom, in a small plastic basket, but that was all. Everything else was put neatly.

Sano chuckled as he sat on one of the ugly beanbags on the floor. "Do you think you're the first girl who asked me to ask Kenshin about this? I asked him this several type, but his answer always pissed me off."

"What did he say?"

"He said, '_someone pretty and kind, maybe?_' Pretty and kind my ass! Kind could be anything from giving a free lapdance all night to becoming a Buddhist monk! He's too general!" Sano said.

"Honestly, Sano… Do you think that Kenshin is gay?" Kaoru asked suspiciously. Sano frowned.

"That was… random." He commented. Kaoru frowned as well.

"You're his best friend! You must know one or two things about Kenshin's romantic relationship, right?"

"No, not really… He did have a relationship with a much older woman, but that was six years ago, when we were 15 or something. Other than that, he never really showed any attraction to the girls around him. He's also against hooking up with hot chicks. So, maybe he's gay, or have a fetish towards the older ones." Sano said with a shrug. Kaoru sighed.

"Decent people are against that, Sano." Kaoru said with a judging tone. "You'll get some kind of strange disease if you do random hook-ups too often."

"I'm not that promiscuous, Jou-chan… I only do that when there are hot chicks around." He replied defensively, and then changed the topic. "So, about Kenshin. You're showing such a great interest towards his type of woman and whether he's gay or not all of the sudden. I thought you just want to… What's your exact words for that again? Long for him from afaaar…"

Kaoru blushed and looked hesitant for a little, but then mumbled. "He saw me naked."

Sano coughed and the laughed. "Wow! Way to go, Jou-chan!"

"Don't 'way to go' me! He didn't react! So I was changing into my gi for the morning practice at the school doujo, and there was no one there so I was a little careless. I didn't close the changing room door properly that the wind blew it open, and before I got the chance to close it, he was already in front of me. I was sooo shocked, but he only seemed a little surprised. Like 'what the heck is she doing, changing with the door opened' surprised, not like 'I never realized that she's so hot' surprised… Then he said good morning and apologized quickly for not realizing that I was here changing. After that, he left without much reaction. He was too indifferent; he didn't even have the courtesy to BLUSH!" Kaoru complained. Sano chuckled.

"Oh, maybe he's just not attracted to you?" He suggested.

"Fine, what kind of girl he's attracted to? Anyone? Actresses, idols, porn stars, hentai characters…"

"I don't know. Kenshin was never really into porn. I know, because I used to lend porn to my friends. I tried giving him different kinds of AV, but everytime he refused. He didn't like blonde. Or brunette. Or big boobs. Or small boobs. Or Asians. Or girl on girl. Or orgy. Or BDSM. Or gang bang. Or-"

"ENOUGH." Kaoru interrupted. "I get what you're saying."

"Maybe instead of boobs, he would be attracted more to muscles and pretty boys?" He teased her, and Kaoru's face fell. Sano laughed at Kaoru's expression. "Don't sulk. Now, let's try and find some clues in this place. Take everything that has something to do with girls and then pile them up here. Anything, from used panties to posters." He commanded.

"Don't just sit around, then!" Kaoru said while pulling Sano's arms. Sano sighed and got up from the comfortable, ugly beanbag.

"Things I do for you, Jou-chan…" He murmured while stretching his body.

They went through his CD, DVD and book collections which were stacked neatly on the shelf. He had good range of movies, from the cheesy ones, to the artsy fartsy movies. Most of the CDs he stacked were video games, but there were several classic rock and compilation CDs. There were several Shounen Jumps and some seinen mangas, but the books he owned were mostly novels, or books about sculptures and human anatomy.

Kaoru frowned in confusion. There were no porn, not even unrated comedies like American Pie, but he did have several movies with nudity in them. Of course, it wasn't perverted or anything. Those movies were more like something that you would discuss in class. There were R-rated manga, which actually rated more because of the violence than nudity, and there were books about human anatomy and Greek statues, and everyone knew that Greek statues were mostly, well, nude. Did these materials count? But then again, who would wank off to pictures of Greek statues?

"We don't know for sure. Let's pile them in the 'maybe' section." Sano said when Kaoru asked.

"The mangas too?"

"Yeah. Who knows. Maybe he gets off of gore and violence." Sano shrugged, and Kaoru shivered. That could happen, maybe kenshin was a psychopath and these all just a front for his true, craving for violence self… "Seriously, woman. Snap out of it. He's no Dexter, okay?" Sano continued, reading Kaoru's mind somewhat accurately.

Sano went around in the kitchen while munching some of the snacks that Kenshin stored inside the kitchen counter. For a guy, he had a complete set of cooking utensils, at least 20 different kinds of knives (which didn't really help to ease Kaoru's feelings about Kenshin being a psychopath), different kinds of pans, a nice garlic cracker, and some other stuff Kaoru had never seen. The fridge was not as barren as Kaoru thought a guy's fridge would be. There were raw ingredients as well as a carton of juice and a few cans of beer.

"Why are we here in the kitchen?" Asked Kaoru.

Sano rummaged through the fridge and then pulled out something that looked like a can of hairspray with a victorious expression. "A ha!" he screamed. Kaoru frowned.

"A ha what?" She asked. Sano shoved Kaoru the can he was holding. "Whip cream?" She muttered in confusion.

"Whip cream! He likes 'em covered in cream…" Sano said with a mock sleazy voice. Kaoru scoffed.

"He has whip cream… That doesn't mean that he likes it for sex!" kaoru exclaimed. Sano grunted, before actually taking a bowl, poured some of the cream, and dumped a bunch of strawberries in it. Kaoru rolled her eyes at his girly snack and walked to the bathroom, and Sano followed her while munching his strawberries.

There was not much going on in the bathroom, just a half-empty bottle of aftershave, shaving cream, razor, toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant scattered around the sink. Kaoru giggled at the sight of his shower soap. It was a lavender bar soap, and it was for women. Same goes with his shampoo, which had melon scent and was used by Kaoru when she was seventeen. It seemed that he just grabbed whatever shampoo or soap was on sale. One glance at the place, Kaoru knew that there was nothing there. Kenshin's crumpled up underwear, t shirts, socks and shirts were inside the cheap, plastic basket under the sink, and Kaoru refused to fumble through that.

"This is kind of pointless, and Kenshin's kendo practice is ending soon. He'll be here in about half an hour." Kaoru said. Sano shook his head.

"No, no. Not yet." He said, walking across the room and stopped in front of a closed door. He took the spare key from the pocket and then opened the door. It was Kenshin's bedroom.

"Tadaaa…." Sano sang happily. Kaoru blushed.

"No! This is too embarrassing!" She said.

"You saw his dirty underwear already! I don't see the point of being shy now!" He replied. Kaoru's face reddened even more. Sano sighed and pushed Kaoru inside. "Come oooon…"

His room was plain. There was a single bed covered with what seemed to be a cheap magenta bedsheet in the corner of the room (it looked like one of those 'buy three for cheaper price!' kind of bedsheet), a desk with a PC on it, stacks of books beside it, and a three-door drawer. Beside the drawer, there were a seemingly new shinai and a bokken, and a big chest that looked like a treasure chest. Without any hesitation, Sano opened the drawers and went through them. It was mostly clothes, but the bottom drawers was filled with papers, stationary and just unnecessary junks. Sano dug deeper and pulled out a small box. He scrutinized the box, while Kaoru looked at him with reddened face.

"Huh, cheap clothes, cheap bedsheet, cheap everything, but an A-grade, expensive condom. At least we know that he's a considerate guy." Sano commented, holding the brand new condom box that was still wrapped in the plastic wrap. "It's weird that he has condoms when he has no girlfriend, and he's opposed to random hook ups. Then again, he's always well-prepared. What do you think, Jou-chan?" He turned around and looked at Kaoru with an amused face.

"PUT THAT BACK!" Kaoru hissed as she felt her ears and nape were burning.

"Then stop staring and start working! Look what's inside the chest!" Sano commanded and Kaoru obediently opened the chest. There was really nothing there, just hammers, nails, basically tools to make sculptures. Kenshin was a fine art major, specialised in sculpture and carvings, so it was natural that he had things like these. Sano moved to analyse the stacks of books, which was just some art magazines, textbooks, more Shounen Jumps, and some novels and other literatures that he wouldn't even want to touch. Books without pictures always managed to get him dizzy. Kaoru slammed the chest closed and sighed.

"Nothing. He has nothing. He's neither gay nor straight. He might not need sex to breed. Maybe he's some kind of bacteria… Or those plants that spreads their pollen through the wind." She concluded, frustrated. Sano sighed and dropped his body to Kenshin's bed.

"I know. No porn, no dirty magazines, nothing. Don't tell me that this guy's not getting off of anything!" He said while grabbing the pillow and hugged it. He then became quiet, as if he missed something. He sat up and then slipped his hand under the bed. Kaoru frowned as she looked at him acting like an OBGYN, but his effort was not in vain.

"Huh?" He took out a glossy magazine, and Kaoru sat beside him. It was a softcore gravure magazine, a 'Shimada Ruka Special Edition' magazine. Sano sneered. "Shimada Ruka, huh?" He said. Kaoru analyzed the girl in the cover. She had light brown hair with subtle blonde highlight, blue eyes, which was induced by the contacts she wore, and pink, pouty lips. She was wearing a bright pink bikini and cowboy boots, posing cutely for the camera. A totally different type from Kaoru.

"Oh nevermind. He likes brunettes with pouty lips after all." Kaoru said with a sigh before putting her head on the pillow. Sano didn't hear her complaint. He was busy looking through the magazine.

"Shimada Ruka, huh? Not baaad… She's actually very beautiful even though her boobs are not that big, unlike most gravure idols." He mumbled by himself. He flipped the page and saw that the edge of the next page was folded into a triangle. He knew that it was Kenshin's habit to do so when he thought that there was something important in the particular page. He opened the page, froze for a few second, before gulping hard.

"Jou-chan, you have to see this!" He called. Kaoru got up and looked at the page. It was the same girl, but looking very different. Her hair was black and straight with bangs, she had natural make up on, as if she had just woken up, and she was wearing nothing but a big, thin white shirt, which was unbuttoned that Kaoru and Sano could see the portion of her unrestrained breasts and her plain but skimpy white panties. She was not pouting cutely like her pictures before, instead she was smiling slightly and looking at the camera with pair of seductive blue eyes. The page next to that was her, still with the long, black hair, this time a little messy and tied into a ponytail. She was wearing only a black gi and a skimpy white panties. Again, the gi was untied, showing everything else other than her shoulder, nipples and her arms. The difference was, she had a bokken stuck between her bare breasts and instead of smiling, she had an orgasmic face on, with her tongue licking the bokken.

"Yeah, so Kenshin likes girls in loose shirt and gi. Great." She said sarcastically and leaned back. Sano's eyes practically glued onto the page. He then looked at Kaoru, and then looked at the magazine again.

"Gee. And I thought I'm the stupid one in this room." He muttered. Kaoru glared at him.

"What do you mean by that?" She asked with a dangerous voice. Kaoru showed the two pictures to Kaoru again.

"Tanuki, this is you! LOOK!" He said. Kaoru frowned.

"No. That's Ruka. Or whatever her name is."

"NO! When she has a hair like this, she looks EXACTLY LIKE YOU!" Sano exclaimed. Kaoru took the magazine, studied it and then looked up and saw her reflection on the window. Full lips, high cheekbones, shapely nose and alluring blue eyes. She never even thought of herself as something sexy and pretty like that girl in the magazine.

Suddenly the door was slammed open.

"Huh? What are you two doing here?" Kenshin came in, wearing a gi and a hakama and carrying his shinai on the back. Sano grinned innocently.

"Hooking up…?" He said cutely, and Kaoru smacked his head with the magazine.

"DON'T SAY STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT!" She scolded him. She then turned around and looked at Kenshin apologetically. "Sorry Kenshin, the truth is we're just… Kenshin?"

Kenshin froze on the spot, his face paled. He was staring at the magazine in Kaoru's hand, and gaped but no sound came out. Realizing this, Kaoru blushed and quickly dropped the magazine on the bed.

"Did… You see the magazine?" He asked carefully. Kaoru's face became even redder, while Sano laughed amusedly.

"Oh drop the act! We know you're wanking off to the picture of a girl who looks a lot like Jou-chan!" He said with a loud laugh, and Kenshin's face became as red as boiled crab. He dropped his stuff and then kneeled in front of Kaoru.

"I am so sorry… I didn't mean to… I didn't really do anything… Well I did… But… I didn't mean anything bad by it!" He looked down on the floor and tried to apologise to her, but he found it hard to find the words. Sano sneered and got up.

"You know what, you guys talk this out, and I'll be outside. Okay, Kenshin, _Ruka-chan_…? " He teased the two, who now already in the deepest shade of red, and then left. Kaoru sighed and sat beside the kneeling Kenshin.

"It's my fault too. I was being nosy." She said. "I just felt… Uh… sad that the guy I like didn't show any reaction when he saw me naked. I might have gone out of line here." She continued with a small voice and reddened face. It took Kenshin a few seconds of blank expression and a few different kinds of frowning face before he understood what she was referring to.

"Oh! You mean, this morning's…" His words faded, and he blushed furiously. "Oh, yeah… I'm sorry about that too…"

They both looked at each other awkwardly in silence, until Kaoru finally stood up. "Well then. I should get going. Sano is waiting for me."

Right when she was about to open the door, Kenshin pushed the door closed from behind her with one hand and pressed the lock. Kaoru was a little startled, and she didn't dare to turn around to see him. He put his arm around Kaoru's waist, while still holding the door handle with his other hand, preventing her to open it.

"This morning, I forgot to tell you that you're hot…" He said before kissing the left side of the neck. "…And gorgeous…" and he leaned back to kiss the other side of her neck. "…And you make me want to do a lot of bad things to you." He murmured in her ears with a low voice before he spun her around to face him and pressed her body up against the door. "You don't really mind this, right? Since you just said that you like me…" He whispered. Kaoru shivered and closed her eyes as he leaned to press a kiss on her lips. As she grabbed the side of his gi, Kenshin pressed his hand on the back of her head, parting her lips with his own and deepening the kiss, while his other hand grazed her thigh.

Kaoru found it harder to breathe when Kenshin suddenly picked her up and threw her to the bed. He kissed her again and slowly made a way for his tongue to tease Kaoru's. He took off Kaoru's t-shirt and bra, revealing her blushing and bare, with only her shorts left.

"God, this is so much better…" He murmured while loosening his hakama.

**OoooO**

Sano cringed his nose as he sat outside, holding Kenshin's backpack that he left behind in the living room. It's been 20 minutes, and he was beginning to think that they were not going to get out of the room anytime soon, especially when he started to hear the creaking sound from within the room. He scratched his head and snorted. It was thanks to him that those two finally knew each other's feelings, yet they both ignored him and started doing…. Well, each other.

"Oh well…" He shrugged, and then opened Kenshin's bag. There were some money lying around in the small zipped pocket of the bag. Sano smiled a really wide and evil smile and counted the money. "Not bad for a service fee." He mumbled with a big grin, put the money in the pocket and left the house.


End file.
